What’s wrong with you?
I am apart of a percentage in a text book. It is a percent that doesn’t discrimination between age or color of skin. The only qualifications are a female in labor who chooses to receive an epidural to relief pain during child birth.
It is easy to spout of the medical jargon to avoid having to talk about the emotional side of being injured during childbirth. The shock, confusion and betrayal you feel entrusting your baby and yourself in the hands of something that almost killed you.
I have an incomplete spinal injury at L5/S1 with Cauda Equina Syndrome. In short, I have damaged nerves that at first left me paralyzed, but with PT and many medications I regained my strength. My pain at first was off the charts. I worried about my family, my clients, what would we all do?
While I lie in a hospital bed holding a screaming newborn unable to move my right leg, I thought that this would be forever. We had no idea when or if I would recover and what our life would look like. We just moved into our dream home that had 3 floors, how would I ever get past the first floor?
I withdrew into myself as I developed postpartum depression, PTSD and anxiety. Taking fistfuls of pills every day just to be able to walk around my home. Anger consumed me, I felt robbed of the rest of my life. I couldn’t be the mother to my baby that I wanted to be. And that is the worst pain of all.
In time I decided that my story won’t end this way. You are so much stronger than you think and mind over matter truly is real. I wanted to continue to chase my dreams and leave my children with a legacy they could be proud of. We continue on with our wedding business and documentary family photography. I refuse to let someones neglect take away what I have let. You always still have a choice to be happy.
Motherhood has left me with many scars and stretch marks. They are the result of having my children, so I embrace them. Each new surgery is another step toward recovery as an intractable pain patient. I embrace my scars. The have brought me much pain but are the result of pleasures many times over. Thank you, Mike for taking these images of myself and our baby.
You can’t see the view if you don’t climb the mountain.
If you or someone you know has suffered from a difficult birth, please visit Improving Birth. They have many tools available for filing complaints to healing.